


the good side

by undeliveredtruth



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Childhood Sweethearts to Ex-Lovers, Epistolary, Feels, M/M, Post-Break Up, San writes Wooyoung letters while he travels the world, World Travel, essentially
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: Dear Wooyoung,To be honest with you, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just kind of put pen to paper and thought I needed to do something, say something.So yeah. I’m leaving.San never expected that he and Wooyoung would end up calling it quits. They had been best friends since they were in diapers, childhood sweethearts later turned to lifelong partners who knew everything about each other.But it happens.So, San packs his bags and sets out to see the world. And in the process, he writes to Wooyoung everything he's ever wanted to say.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 41
Kudos: 62





	1. seoul, south korea

_March 13th, 2018_

_Seoul_

Dear Wooyoung,

To be honest with you, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just kind of put pen to paper and thought I needed to do something, say something.

So yeah. I’m leaving.

It felt like a cop-out to not tell you that I’m leaving, but I also couldn’t call you or anything, to be honest, so this is the cop-out for a cop-out, I guess.

That fellowship, I’m taking it. For two years. Guess there’s no point not to now, right? There’s nothing to stay here for.

I wondered for a long time if you’d be proud of me. I know you could never tell me that you wanted me to take it because of course you couldn’t tell me to leave, but deep inside, did you want me to take it? I think you did, right? Like, I got it, and it’s such a prestigious thing that... You did because you knew that deep in my heart, I ached to be set free, to go out and travel the world and experience doing something of purpose after college. So is that why you broke up with me?

Okay, well, maybe I shouldn’t have said that because that’s not the point of these. But it’s not like I can delete it now, it’s paper, right. I promised myself that whatever my mind wanted to put down on these sheets, I’d put it down and say it because might as well be honest with you now, right? What do I have to hide anymore?

So yeah, the point of this isn’t that I’m mad at you, or trying to get you to pity me, or get you back. I just... I just wanted to write to you to ~~tell you I~~ let you know. I wanted to write to you because I always felt like you knew me inside out and I knew everything about you as well but there was always a part of me that I somehow needed to keep hidden from you and isn’t it kinda funny that it’s just literally now that we’re over that I can tell it to you? Say it? So yeah, that’s the point of these. I want you to know. Now, Wooyoung, I really want you to know.

I don't expect anything from you in return, mostly because I don't even know where I'll be most of the time, so don't worry.

Just take care of Thunder. Not that you need me to say that, she always liked you more than she liked me so I guess she’ll do just fine. Maybe send me pics sometimes? I’ll miss her. A lot.

~~ So, I’m so ~~

I’m at the airport now, waiting to board. Guess it’s the 14th now.

We’re heading to Hong Kong first. I’ve already met one of the people in the program. His name is Seonghwa, he’s really nice. We talked a little bit, turns out his boyfriend’s on the fellowship too, but he’s going to join us later. Lucky, right? Traveling the world with your significant other.

Anyway, I’m... I guess I’m really leaving, huh? I don’t really know what to say? I really thought this would be like much more heartfelt or something but I guess it’s not? I guess I don’t...

Bye, Wooyoung.

I’ll write to you from Hong Kong, I guess.


	2. hong kong, I

_March 16th, 2018_

_Hong Kong_

Dear Wooyoung,

Imma have to be a bit quiet because my roommate’s sleeping, but yeah. Hi.

We’re in Hong Kong, in this hostel room. We landed at night, there wasn’t much we could see besides some industrial complexes and some city lights, but it’s so pretty. Hong Kong is really pretty, I think.

We have orientation for around three weeks here. We’re going to be doing some art stuff with kids as well, so they need to make sure we know how to work with them. I mean, I won’t be doing that much because I’m just here to do photography, and there’s someone else who’s teaching more, I just need to actually take photos of the program things besides my individual art project.

They want to know what we’re going to do our individual projects on from this point, which I think to me is crazy, right? Like… we have two years which are supposed to change our life, how would I know what I want to do already? I’m sure I’m going to change my mind as I go on, but… I was thinking of what I want to do, and the only thing that comes to my mind is people.

I want to capture people. That’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. You know that, of course, because you bought me my first camera.

I looked through the portfolio I submitted to the fellowship on the plane ride here to come up with an idea, or like, I guess get perspective on why the hell I’m doing this in the first place besides running away.

But it didn’t help, because almost every single photo was of you. So like… where is my perspective? What’s my perspective? What’s there in front of my camera lens that I can earnestly catch or “create a meaningful contribution to the world” with when it feels like everything I see has been emptied of meaning a month ago?

I can’t believe it’s been a whole month.

Anyway.

My roommate, Jongho, is really cool. He’s here for music, and he has a voice that could seriously shatter glass, I’m sure. It’s incredible. I just listened to him practice before he went to sleep, and it was so sweet it almost put me to sleep.

But I’m on the balcony instead, staring at the street. It’s almost 2 AM but it’s still crazy busy here. Just like Seoul.

You know, I always hated having to look at the front of our apartment building instead of the back. Instead of seeing busy streets and city lights, I was always stuck watching the same people coming in and out of the same dreary, grey doorway, pressing the same seven buttons and waiting the same 5 seconds. I didn’t think it would bother me so much when we moved in there because we were broke college students, I should’ve been happy we could afford more than a goshiwon. But it really did for some reason, every night you were starfished on our bed, snoring, and I just couldn’t sleep, wanted to get lost in my thoughts by just staring into the abyss.

But I just had our damn front door.

Anyway, Woo, I hope you’re doing well. Maybe I’ll go catch some sleep, big day tomorrow.

I… miss you. Is that okay to say now?

\- San


	3. hong kong, II

_March 29th, 2018_

_Hong Kong_

Hi Woo,

I guess this is the first letter where I finally share what I’m doing, right?

It’s our first day off in a week and a half. I haven’t had much time to write because it’s been a constant rush of activities and things, just morning to night. It’s been fun, though. We’ve seen some of Hong Kong, I had some dim sum, found the best egg waffle I’ve had in my entire life on a random street somewhere, and somehow managed to make some friends in the meantime.

We were planning on taking a trip to Victoria Peak tonight at sunset. I mean not were, we’re still planning that, I’m meeting them in like two hours or so.

But I just wanted to be alone today for a little bit, so I took the notebook from which I’ve been writing these letters with me and found a restaurant at the Peak Garden, this park that’s under the peak. I had to wait like 10 minutes for them to open, so there’s nobody with me outside. I’m sitting at a table on the terrace because it’s unusually warm today, around 15 degrees.

It’s kind of weird, to be in this super scenic place, seeing multicolored flowers all around me, but be the only one here. I’ve ordered a cocktail, one of those fruity ones you liked, the Cosmopolitan. I have to give it to you, it’s quite yummy.

They have some pop music playing, but it’s nice and calm. It’s really relaxing, some sort of silence after being in the middle ofso much chaos in the past week and a half.

It’s… nice. To have something to take my mind off of everything. I honestly haven’t had much time to think, I just come to bed when the day is done or just hang out with my friends, Seonghwa, and Hongjoong, and Jongho, and a couple of other people, I’ve mentioned them to you. We sometimes just get together and drink in our rooms until we’re too tired and I just pass out, and then the next morning I wake up and do it all again, classes, workshops, discussions, visits, hanging out, again and again.

So yeah. This is how I’m doing. I'm doing well.

I have no data on my phone, isn’t that funny? The only thing I have is terrible hotel wi-fi, enough to look up what to do and where to go, and how I could send these to you. It’s a challenge, apparently. Maybe you’ll get more at once later, maybe, I don’t know…

So, yeah, I don’t have much internet, so that means I don’t know much about how you are. Are you doing alright? Sometimes, I wish you could respond. I wish I could know how you’re doing. I hope you’re doing fine…

To be honest, I still haven’t really processed much of this. I’m still… blank, Woo. I can’t look back.

Yeah. I know I need to, so maybe one of these days, I’ll end up writing this huge letter where I just go through every single moment I remember with you, every moment of happiness you’ve brought me.

But I don’t think I can do that quite yet. Soon though. I’ll get the courage.

I hope you’re okay. I hope Thunder’s doing okay too.

I love you. God, I love you so much, I...

Yeah. I love you. 

\- San


	4. hong kong, III

_ April 11th, 2018 _

_Hong Kong_

  
  
Dear Wooyoung, 

I’m sorry for my bad handwriting. I’m on the plane, stuck on the window seat with Seonghwa and Hongjoong next to me. Everybody’s supposed to be sleeping so they had us turn down all the lights and all the window cover things, so the movie playing on my screen is the only source of light.

To be honest with you, it’s also because I’m sorta crying. Not sorta. I’m… I never thought I’d be crying in an airplane, this is so absolutely stupid, but I can’t hold it back. so I thought that I might as well write it to you because you’re the reason I’m crying, right? And you deserve to know it.

I actually started writing to you earlier, but I tore that draft because I realized I didn’t know what to say. I just felt weird after leaving Hong Kong, seeing the city under me. It felt like I already made so many memories, maybe because it was the start of our trip. But I felt weirdly emotional? So I took this out.

I thought Seonghwa and Hongjoong were both sleeping, but Seonghwa wasn’t. He took a peek and asked me what I was writing, and I don’t know, I just couldn’t hide it. 

I told him that I was writing these letters to you. And then I had to explain who you were. But... I didn’t want to get into everything, and I didn’t think... I don’t know, I don’t want to get into it. So I just... stopped. Blankly, stared at my hands. 

I eventually told him we broke up a couple months ago, and I was writing these because... I wanted to tell you stuff? Because I didn’t, I don’t know? Want to not do it? 

He didn’t say much. He was really kind about it, I guess he could see that it’s been... not easy, I guess. 

It was also weird talking about it with Seonghwa while Hongjoong’s head was resting on his shoulder, their hands clasped between each other. They’re clearly in love with each other, and have been for a very long time. They are just so comfortable with each other, you can tell by how familiar their touches are, how relaxed they are even if they seem to be very different people.  ~~ Just ~~

But there’s something he said that I just couldn’t stop thinking about.

“So you’re writing to your ex?”

My ex.

It made me think... is that what I am? Is that why I’m doing this? Am I just an over-attached ex who can't let go? Who doesn't want to let go? Who stubbornly holds on to something when it's so clearly over, when  you told me that, unable to accept that it’s done?

I... don't have the answer. I wouldn't be writing this to you if I did, but Woo, I don't... I seriously don't think I can accept that all you are to me now is my ex. You're my best friend. You're the one person who was there for me my entire life, when no one else was, not even my parents, any of our other friends, anybody. You're...

You're everything to me. You still are, and I think you'll always be. 

Ten fucking years, Woo. Ten years we’ve shared every moment of our lives with each other, everything about who we were, just… everything, right? But I’ve known you my entire life. Literally my entire life. Since you were born, when my mom took me to visit your mom in the hospital and I swear I can remember seeing you in that room, amongst all the other babies, my mom pointing you out to me.

Maybe it's messed up for me to think this way, but I don't think I'll ever be able to think it's the end. If something happened tomorrow, to you or I, you're still my emergency contact, you know? If anything happened, I'd drop everything to be there for you, anything, any time, and I know that you'd do the same. No matter what.

If there’s nothing left. When everything else is gone, removed and disappeared, when tragedy befalls, when the world is over... I wouldn’t think twice to come find you. You’re the only person I’d want to spend my last moment with.

And, deep in my heart, I still hold on to the hope that you feel the same.

So, how was it the end? The end to what? What ended? Was that the end to our relationship? Was that the end to  us?  Because you and I, that's all that we were? Everything that happened, the arguments, is that what made us? Were those... everything? Was that it? 

Because it doesn't feel like it. This all feels,  like ~~something like a new mean~~ ~~like~~ just another bump. Just another hop. Like someday we’ll get back to where we need to be, and this is just some time I’m burning before we get there again.

Does that make me an overly-attached ex, then? Makes me crazy, grasping at straws for something that isn’t anymore?

I don't know who I am, Woo. I don't know what I am to you, or what we are, but I know that you are something. The most important something of my life. The one something that has ever mattered to me, the one something that's such a foundation of who I am, who I've always been, that without you, Woo… I just don't know if I even am.

If I'm crazy for not being able to let go of that, if I'm crazy to you... I don't know what to do then. All I might be able to ever be is crazy. 

So, I guess I'll just move on through life like this. Being crazy. 

Waiting for when the world turns right side up again. 


	5. bangkok, I

_April 18th, 2018_

_Bangkok, Thailand_

Dear Wooyoung, 

I feel so alone.

It’s stupid, because I spend every single moment of my day surrounded by people who have become my close friends, and there’s so many unanswered messages on my phone from people back home, family, our friends wanting to know how I am.

But I’ve never, ever felt so painfully, grittingly lonely.

And goddamn, does it hurt.

I


	6. bangkok, II

_April 30th, 2018_

_Bangkok, Thailand_

Dear Wooyoung,

Every time I close my eyes these days, your face flashes behind my eyelids. Your smile as I stood one stair above you and you tipped your head up to me, oceans of love swimming behind your brown eyes.

I floated in their waves, what was once an overwhelming tide reduced to a gentle buoy that calmed my nerves and reached into the deepest parts of me to comfort me, tell me it is indeed alright even if the world seemed to be coming to get me. I remember how you wrapped your hands around me and buried your cold nose in my neck. I didn’t have the slightest instinct to pull away.

I cried then, and couldn’t feel the slightest bit ashamed because I have never felt ashamed around you. Or at least, I think I never was. I certainly am not now, spilling my guts on paper to you. Maybe I should be, but honestly… I couldn’t be bothered to be.

Years later, that’s still one of the moments I cherish the most. I’m sorry you had to be part of it. I’m sorry you had to be on the receiving end of whatever that was on behalf of my parents, I’m sorry they said those things to you.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stand up for you more. I still am, but to me, that doesn’t taint the rest of that day in the slightest. Because it was when I knew that I truly, deeply loved you.

So yeah, I’m not sorry I proposed to you when we were 17 with a ring pop. I’m sorry for not following it through, maybe, because would we be in a different place?

So, here I am, in Bangkok, one of the cities on our list. I wish I had more to say, but we’ve been having continuous classes with local students for the past three weeks, and when we didn’t, we had workshops for our projects. As I’m the photographer, I have to be often in three, four places at once, and by the end of the day, I’m exhausted.

But it’s in a good way, where at the end of the day I can just crash into bed and you’ll appear behind my eyelids for just those few seconds, a happy memory remaining when before, my mind would’ve taken me to many more places I felt like I couldn’t come back from.

So yes. Yesterday, I visited a local floating market with Jongho and Seonghwa. Couldn’t buy much because of course, I’m not cooking or anything, but I tried some durian, and it was surprisingly even more delicious here than at home. Seonghwa got some ingredients and we used the hostel kitchen to make kimchi jjigae, we got some kimchi from a store and some good meat, and really… that felt great, yeah.

Usually we visit more when we’re towards the end of our trip, so maybe by the next letter I’ll have more to say?

Well, I still haven’t answered our friends. I hope they don’t think I forgot about them. Please tell them I’m okay. Still lost somewhere in the world, but okay.

Just… one thing. I wonder, just… do you think about me?

Because I think about you. All the time.

\- San


	7. shanghai, I

~~_May 5th, 2018_ ~~

~~_Bangkok, Thailand_ ~~

~~Dear Woo,~~

~~Hi. Just wanted to check in? How are you? Are you…~~

~~No, that was weird, why did you say that, why… he doesn’t want you to know how he is, if he did, he’d text you after all of this, isn’t it clear, San-ah he doesn’t wanna see you again? You’re not doing this for him, you’re doing~~

~~Dear Wooyoung,~~

~~I’ve been kinda off~~

~~_May 10th, 2018_ ~~

~~_May 14th, 2018_ ~~

~~_In a boat, somewhere in Thailand_ ~~

~~Dear Woo _,_~~

~~We’re taking a weekend trip, and the scenery is so beautiful. We woke up before sunset, you know I’ve never had issues waking up in the morning, but this one was just _brutal._~~

~~Probably because we’ve been drinking on our weekends since it’s almost the end of this trip, and we drank last night, like drank drank… My head’s spinning and I honestly don’t know how I haven’t yet hurled the contents of my stomach over the side of this boat, but I’m okay, I’m fine.~~

~~It’s so fucking pretty, it’d probably be pretty even with my head bowed over the edge. You know what?~~

~~I’m hearing some weird noise, wait~~

~~May 20~~

~~I wish I didn’t make the mistake of doing what I did, but I also certainly fucking wish you hadn’t reacted how you had. It wasn’t that big of a damn deal, I don’t even know what happened to make you blow up, but you know? I’m kinda done being sorry for myself and I’m also kinda being done putting you on a pedestal wjhile while I bring myself down for every mistake I’ve ever made because this? this wasn’t only my fault, this was on both of us, and I goddamn fucking hate we didn’t even get to talk about it like normal people? like people who ever seemed like they cared for each other?~~

~~God, I hate you so much. I hate how you always blew up at me when it wasn’t warranted and I know that I was supposed to be a good partner and listen but soemtiems you know, it got tiring even for me? Like… I don’t know, maybe I had my own issues and I’m sure I did, like when I got too into my head to really understand you or what was too good for me and I shut down, but you know, even while I did, I always thought about you, even fucked off somewhere so you wouldn’t have to see me at my lowest lows.~~

~~Sometimes. Sometimes I wanted you there with me, so I didn’t, and I know sometimes you wanted me to hear out what you were angry about but still, Woo… it fucking hurt. and I can’t believe that that’s who we are. I hate you now. loday I hate you with all my being.~~

~~Well, that was embarrassing so we’re just gonna take that whole page out. Pretend I wasn’t drunk. Yup. That’s what we’re gonna do.~~

_May 25th, 2018_

_Shanghai, China_

Dear Woo,

I’m sorry for not writing to you for so long. Truthfully, I was kind of busy, and… something kinda happened, but I don’t really wanna get into it. I just wanted you to hear it from me and not my mom or our friends or something that I’m okay.

If you even care? I’m sure you do, so, yeah, I’m fine. We’re in China now, we got here two days ago, thankfully. We’re going to be going between places for the next little bit, heading to the countryside some too, and we apparently won’t have internet or connectivity much.

I’ve made it my goal there to write you like a really long letter in our free time. I’ve gathered some stuff I want to say, maybe it’ll my last one if I get everything off my chest. I think I really need to.

I have to head out for a training soon and I just wanted to make sure I wanted to write this first so you know I’m okay. So yeah. I’m okay. Later?

\- San


	8. shanghai, II

_June 20th, 2018_

_Shanghai, China_

Dear Wooyoung,

I snuck some wine in, we’re technically not supposed to drink in our accommodation, but. You know me, I’ve never been too good at following the rules.

I didn’t get to write to you from the countryside yet, it’s been crazy busy when we were there. They took us to teach us some traditional methods of farming and living and give us a chance to diversify our portfolios and inspiration, since most of the photos I’ve taken so far are city lights and blurry portraits. It worked, certainly. I’ve taken some really nice landscape photos, maybe I’ll attach some? We were also teaching kids, and…

We were passing through a smaller city once, and I expected them to like not know anything when we went in, cause so far we’ve been teaching beginners. But in came like five or six kids and when they took my camera… wow. Just wow. They said they don’t have their own, but their school has a couple, and I… it wasn’t that easy to talk to them since none of us spoke that great English, but let me tell you… I don’t think I’ve had a greater time in a long time. Certainly not since I left.

It was really amazing, seeing their passion, and their eye for catching things around them. Like, one of them deadass made a crack on the wall look interesting, I’m not kidding you.

So yeah… it gave me some life back? I don’t know how to explain, but it really put me in a good mood and I was in that mood for a couple days. Not to say I didn’t want to write to you while I was in a good mood, but I really tried to go out and capture as much as I could when I was there after not really doing that well in the beginning? Like, I guess I’m in this program for a reason. Not only to run away… but to find something worth seeing and learn things I wouldn't have thought of, so I’m trying to open myself up to those experiences as much as I feel like I can.

So yeah, we’re actually back in Shanghai now, just for a couple of days. We’re heading back out to travel for a couple of weeks after, but. We have a free day today, and it’s evening, Seonghwa, Hongjoong, Jongho, and some other friends are off visiting, my roommate, Yunho, is taking a nap with his friend, Mingi, I don’t know if I told you about them yet, and… I thought I’d sit down for a bit.

I feel a bit more clearheaded now, not so… down, so I really wanted to write to you now, while the wound is still kind of fresh but I can step out of it to see everything with a clearer eye. Not just rant to you whatever I feel like.

So… I’ve known we were on the rocks for a while. I think maybe since before graduation, I don’t know if you remember that argument we had when you went out to hang out with Yeosang and you came back home, and you wouldn’t tell me where you went? I really didn’t get it then, why you didn’t want to, I didn’t ask with any malintent but I think that’s how you took it. Since then, I know you thought I was jealous of you and Yeosang, which is stupid, because we’ve both known Yeosang for years now, and I never, ever felt jealous of him. I still don’t.

But from that day, you just started to… take free reign in keeping things from me, inoffensive things you would never have before? I really didn’t understand why, and sometimes you’d stop, and then it would start all over again, and again and again, and I kind of got tired of trying to figure out what mood you were in at some point? So I know I didn’t even try, and I admit that was my fault. I just thought that maybe you’d be more understanding of the fact that I had to work hard the first few years after we finished college.

You know, I really regret taking that internship. I knew that art and photography would require some hellish hours and stuff, but I know that was one of the things that drove us apart, even if we were already on the rocks for a while.

I… even questioned once. If you were hiding because you had something to hide. One night, when I got home past midnight and you weren’t there, and I texted you and you didn’t answer, and the next day you told me you were drinking at Seongjun’s… I doubted you. I know you felt it. Then _,_ I was jealous. I really questioned it, but I looked at you and knew you wouldn’t really do anything like that to me, and felt even guiltier because I knew it was since I didn’t give you enough that I questioned whether you’d go look for it somewhere else.

I certainly wouldn’t have blamed you for at least trying to. I can look back and tell myself that even though I felt slightly annoyed at the many times you were dodgy, and got mad at me for nothing, or were cold… I wasn’t the best partner. I wasn’t the best anything. I just… wished you’d have understood too, that it was also hard for me. Because I always thought it was hard for you, and I said it so many times. Even though you didn’t want me to tell you I felt bad for you.

But then again, this is not a letter for regrets. At least… I don’t think? There are certainly regrets I have.

That damn front door. Because when the window was open I could hear you come home, tap the digits in the system and I could hear you breathe and… sometimes you were sighing, Wooyoung. Before coming home to me. You do everything so quick, but sometimes you dragged your fingers over those numbers, and then took your time opening the door and… was it that painful? Because when I started realizing it, Wooyoung, it hurt me so fucking deep, in that way I couldn’t even try to begin to puzzle together. I couldn’t even begin to figure out what went wrong, where we had stumbled out of the path we were on to make being with each other _painful._

Us. Painful.

Because sometimes... I felt the same. Rather than going out on a date, running in the park, heading to our bakery for a coffee, the usual things we used to do and I always, always without fail found pleasure in... somehow, they started feeling like a chore. Like I’d rather just stay in bed, put a Netflix show on and ignore it in favor of burying myself in the pillows, ignore you muddling around and picking out your outside clothes without even bothering to try to get me up. Not even asking.

I know it’s not your fault I was not okay. It’s certainly not mine either, but… still feels like it. A little bit. For all those runs I missed, all those pastries you ate alone, all those trips you chose to take with your headphones rather than me. The day after we broke up, they all played in my head like a terribly sad movie on the soundtrack of why? Why was I such an idiot to let all of them go? Let you go?

That song you like so much, Cave Me In. I’m listening to it now, and… “What you couldn’t see or hear during peace is why a heart becomes ears in two pieces.”

That’s exactly how I feel. Drenched in cold water from our break-up, all of those moments kept playing in my head, the most painful time lapse of a love lost. All those moments when I took a step closer to the edge of the cliff so clearly leading to when we fell. But you see, we took those steps together.

So, this was on both of us. This is me recognizing my faults; prioritizing work over you, shutting myself away instead of talking to you, not making an effort, choosing to stay silent rather than tell you what I felt, giving up, being cold when I was jealous, not speaking up over my parents. All of these are my fault.

So… are you thinking the same? I think you are. I just wanted to tell you I don’t blame you. I don’t… I really don’t. It’s really weird, how I know we’re both at blame, and I blame myself but… for some reason, I can’t find it in me to blame you. Not in the slightest. I think I might hate how you reacted sometimes, but when it comes to blame… I’m taking that all on me.

And I recognize it’s not healthy. So… for a while, I’m going to try not to think about it at all. About you, or all of this. No matter how much time has passed or how used to the idea I’m starting to get, I can’t seem to be able to lose any of that heavy, absolutely obliterating feeling of blame that's just as heavy, if not even heavier than the beginning. So… this is sort of my announcement that I may not write for a while? I don’t know if you’d be expecting these by now, but… I think I need a while. Not to think about you.

I hope you do the same. Because it wasn’t your fault.

I love you. Take care of yourself.

\- San


	9. amsterdam, I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw // recreational drug mention (weed)

_August 3rd, 2018_

_Amsterdam, The Netherlands_

Dear Woo,

Long time no see?

I certainly didn’t expect it to be this long since I wrote my last letter. I opened my notebook and was surprised to find when the last draft was from.

I didn’t forget, I promise. I could never. It was more of a conscious effort, perhaps, because I promised myself I wouldn’t write you again until I could think of your name without the crumbling weight of a boulder on my chest.

We’ve reached somewhere, perhaps?

Maybe I’m being too straightforward. I mostly just wanted to write to say congratulations.

I talked to my mom yesterday, and she told me about the new job. And the move. I guess you’re leaving our apartment?

I don’t blame you. Before you leave, though…

I mean, my mom already said she’ll go pick up my stuff, so if you could maybe pack it in something? I mean, you won’t see this in time for sure, so… I don’t even know why I’m saying it? I was surprised when she said you still talk. Or talked, a little.

I was surprised when she told me you asked about me. I thought you didn’t want to know anything about me anymore, that’s what you said.

Anyway… I’m genuinely happy for you. From the depths of my soul, I’m so happy you finally quit that shitty place with those shitty people, they never even deserved a glance from you after all the bullshit. I’m glad you were able to pack it up and tell them to shove it—even mom seemed happy for you when she told me about it.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold your hand through it. I promised before that if it ever happened, I’d draw you a bath and give you a massage and make you the pasta you like, do you remember that? You said it never would.

But, let’s put that aside. I’m glad it did. I’m glad Yeosang could find you another job so quickly, you deserve it. You deserve that and more.

~~I’m… I kinda weirdly feel like this isn’t coming out the way I want it to? I can’t… I think I can’t quite feel happy? I’m… that apartment. That apartment meant a lot. It’s sort of weird to think… we’re not there anymore.~~

Anyway, uh… the second reason I’m writing to you is that I tried weed yesterday. Yup. For the first time.

I know how long you tried to convince me to try it with you and Yeosang, so I figured I’d write to you now?

It was an interesting time, for sure. Hongjoong was entirely too good at it, and he did that shotgunning thing with me at first, and it was kind of a good way to get into it. It was really fun, hanging around with everyone and having that experience. It didn’t hit me too hard, but it was fun enough to be felt.

Such a cliche, being in Amsterdam and smoking weed. Rest assured we’ve done the other cliche stuff, cruising past canals on our bikes, visited the Van Gogh Museum, all this fun stuff. All the less touristy stuff, the underground clubs, some... local experiences...

Belgium, the first European country we were in was fun, but this one definitely has something about it. A feeling I can’t quite put my finger to, an air... a clear air, maybe. Some sort of space, some wideness to it where I don't feel as claustrophobic anymore. It's so much fun, and... It really kind of feels good.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well! Congrats on the new job and… take care.

\- San


End file.
